Drowning with land in sight - the fear of any sailor caught adrift. Well it appears this sailor's ship is taking water and the land is too far off to see. He has been caught in the enigma of loving what he does but hating the constructs of the institution that he is employed by. This institution or "ministry" as it could be so labeled has captured not only his passion but his energy, his being, his time. What does he actually have left? A feeble spirit that is trying to cry out despite the salty gasps of water that drench him in this storm.
The sabbath is but a distant memory now. He has endured three weeks without rest, without a port to refuel & restock his once swift vessel. He has gone through some incredibly stormy waters where he has questioned everything he has been called to do. He attempts to console himself saying that emotions have an ebb & flow to them - this is simply one of those mountains to be climbed. Once triumph takes place at the summit - all the pain & suffering will be worth it. Will it? Will the sacrifice of friendship, of relationships, of family be worth it? Does he put every breath he breathes, every beat of his heart on the altar of an obscene work ethic?
Has he been tricked by actually believing that it is he that makes a difference in this world? How he longs for rest, for air to breathe, for escape! Like a deer pants for water - this lonely sailor pants for restoration, for a place to find renewal, a refuge from the struggle he lives.
Are we not more than mere emotion? Perhaps after a mind is spent - that is all we have left.
Drowning with land in sight.
4 comments:
I'm not sure how literally to take your metaphor, but it really rings true for me. Considering our similar backgrounds, current perspectives and life stage, I guess it shouldn't be surprising that I also felt like I was drowning at times this summer.
We try to do too much. It's our expectations that give us grief, I think. When I'm tired, "little things" at work start to feel like big things, and it doesn't feel like there are any easy solutions -- I see fewer opportunities and more obstacles.
Two main options: forge ahead knowing that it does tend to get easier, particularly as babies and toddlers get more independent, or take more radical action and scale back the demands on your time. Both easier said than done. Either way, hang in there!
Thanks Jer for your comments. I'm not sure how far to take the metaphor either but obviously it tells the story of someone frustrated & perhaps caught up by their job or occupation or calling and balancing that with the rest of one's chose life. It is in part inspired by your blog on lifestylism and in part inspired by the business & stresses of the life I am currently leading. It is amazing how emotions can so easily steer us away from optimism & our ideals.
I know this is not the way it should be. To use a religious term - busyness seems to be a "sin" that is eating away at our souls, our society. The more we give - the more is taken. But there is only so much that we can before we are taken. The rat race may lead to cheese but unfortunately the cheese is entwined in a deadly trap.
Drowning with land in sight is perhaps the irony of our day. Perhaps the story is a reflection of the vertigo we all experience when we don't take the time for rest.
I don't think there is a cause worth burning out for. It may be worthy dying for a cause but I think we "sin" by allowing ourself to get so worn out that we want to throw in the towel whatever our endeavours. The choice as you so aptly put it - is to either "forge ahead" knowing it will get better or "take more radical action and scale back the demands on your time."
I'm usually the "forge ahead positivist" but sometimes you have to buck the system and simply say the word no!
Thanx again for your words.
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